Angst

Today I'm a bit conflicted.

I sign over the house to my ex today.  Part of me is quite happy to have this over with and feels like I'm moving on, but part of me knows I'm going to cry on the drive home.  I try not to look back at my mistakes and feel sad or mad about them.  I could look back and think that time has been wasted or that the mistakes have been huge, but what's the point in that?  I'm not sure I would do things differently.  I might, but it's not like I can go back and change them so why focus on it??

I've been working very hard to clear up debt.  I have accumulated some because of my ex and although it makes me mad, again there is nothing I can do about it.  I have a line of credit that is because of him and it's high, but not completely un-manageable and with the money he is paying me (for his half) I should be able to wipe it out in a year or 2.  Then the only debt I have is my SUV.  That feels good. 

Today I'm saying goodbye to another (larger) piece of my old life.  I look at it in 3 big pieces, with, of course some smaller chunks mixed in there.  Piece #1 was moving out.  Piece #2 is signing over the house to him.  Piece #3 is the divorce. 

Funny how I chose this life and I AM happy, but I'm also a bit sad.  Part of me is leaving today.  It's so hard to explain.  The life I thought I was going to have is no more.  The house, the partner, the children...that life is gone.  I have a newer, better life and for that I am grateful, but I'm still a bit sad. 

I lived in that house for over 2 years.  Every curtain, dish, floor rug, shower curtain, photo on the wall was chosen by me and placed with care.  It was a home I loved.  A home I was proud to live in and invite people too.  I left half of it behind.  I took what mattered to me (and some of the best stuff :) ) and left the rest.  Today I sign on that line that that home is his.

Somewhere along the line, it went from a home to a house.  It's hard to pin point where things changed exactly, but they did.  In 5 months we will qualify for a divorce based on 1 year living apart.  We will file ourselves and split the cost.  There will be no lawyers, no alimony, no arguing. 

And once it's over with, no talking.  I will change my number, he doesn't know where I live and it will be done.  It's a long process. 

Today I will grieve however, just a little bit.  I will allow myself to be sad about the dreams that didn't materialize and the life that I imagined that I'm leaving behind today.  Because I believe that you have to live the moment before you can move on.  I'm not looking forward to today. 

Please send good thoughts my way today. 

Thank you friends.