I have a HUGE to-do list that makes my head spin when I think about it, but I'm working on it. Slowly but surely I'm going to do it. Because I'm that kind of girl. I get things accomplished and I persevere.
My SUV is over-miled, or will be in another month. I have 11 months left on my lease. And it's looking like I'm going to end up 30,000 kms or more over. Crap. So I'm probably going to trade it in early and finance the buy out. And buy the next one. No more leasing.
In the meantime with moving, changing my banking info, finding a place to go, packing and dealing with trying to pick out a new SUV, I need to get the old one new tires, a new windshield and yesterday a service and new headlights. I'm going to need a holiday once this is over. Yuck.
C and I argue daily. He's back to work however, so this is good news. He's out of the house and I can relax a bit. I found new tires on kijiji for my SUV yesterday, so hopefully that goes through. In 6 weeks I'll have moved out of my house, changed my banking over, bought a new vehicle and will be living a whole new life. It's crazy.
Where do I start? How do I tell the story that has unfolded so quickly in my life that nothing is the same as it was a few months ago?
Bottom line? I’m leaving Chris. There are some things that you can live with and others you can’t. I’ve reached my point where I can’t anymore. I can’t take the lies, the accusations, the fighting, the games, the stress anymore. I don’t want to be this person any longer.
Fault? I don’t care one way or the other. He’s crushed. I’m surviving. I just want out. I haven’t been happy for over a year. It seems things just keep getting worse and we keep pushing and fighting. And when I got to the point where I wanted changes, well, he didn’t take that too well. And giving up on my marriage only 2 years in? I hate it. I feel like I’m giving up.
But how long do you push and fight and try when you aren’t in love? When you don’t feel the things you should? When you realize that marrying that person was settling in the first place and you never should have compromised your beliefs and what you wanted in life…
I always knew that marrying Chris was settling and giving up. But when he treated me well and we got along, I figured that things would be ok. And that our life would be ok too. That his job taking him away for weeks at a time would allow me to continue to live and be happy in my life. However, things changed. He was laid off when things were so bad last year. And that gave me insight into a life that I didn’t choose and I didn’t want. I was able to see a glimpse into the future and it wasn’t something I wanted.
I realized that it would always be a battle. That we would always fight about money and I would always have to be the one telling him what to spend, what not to spend, how to act, what not to say, what was appropriate and inappropriate. And that he would never step up and support me or us when times were tough. He was ok sitting around for 10 months, me working, considering a second job just to pay the bills. I couldn’t rely on him when things got tough. I couldn’t rely that we would support me/us emotionally and financially when things were down. That there was no way I could have a baby and the family I want to so much, because he wouldn’t step up and make sure that we were ok. Because he couldn’t even step and make sure that our bills were paid and that we were ok when there was only the 2 of us. And without my job, we would have lost the house, the trucks, everything last year. And he was ok with me working 2 jobs and still coming home, cleaning the house, making supper, taking care of everything while he did nothing. In the meantime, treating me like crap.
So things changed for me. I told him I wasn’t happy. He ignored it and me. Until I told him I was leaving. Then he decided to make retribution. However, I’m at the point where I’ve moved on and it’s too little too late.
And I have moved on.
That’s the trouble. He knows a little of it. But that’s from hacking into my email, putting a key log on the computer, tracking me. The thing is, I wasn’t happy and I had decided to leave him before I moved on.
Where is this new thing going? No idea. How does he treat me? Like a princess. Like the way every woman wants to be treated. Like I’m special and important to him. Thing is, it’s not new. We met 4 years ago. Before I met Chris. And things were so good and then I got scared and backed off. He thought I was playing games and backed off too. The relationship didn’t develop, but we stayed friends, msn, and texting on birthdays for the past 4 years. I got married. He had a baby. He left his girlfriend. I’m leaving my husband.
Where are we now? Living life. We visit when we can. We are there for each other. We are in love. I’m happy. He’s happy.
I’m stuck in the house. I’m willing to give it to Chris, however, he has to take over the mortgage and likely he won’t qualify without my income. He refuses to sell it. He refuses to let me go. So we are still arguing. And I’m so very, very tired of it. I escape when he’s working and I hide out when he’s home.
All in all though, I’m very hopeful for the future. I hope for happiness. I believe in love. I believe in marriage. I hate the way my life has turned and the mess I’m in. But I see a light, it’s distant but I’m working through it.
And with any luck, maybe I can start smiling every day again.