Random Thoughts

I should be sleeping...but I can't.

I have thoughts in my head that keep me awake.  Frustrations, hurts and confusions.  Emotional outbursts that lay awake yelling at me and won't let me sleep.

My family is in a crisis right now.  I am fine, it's not me.  However, I hurt for those involved.  I won't go into detail on such a public space for privacy of those involved, but I hurt for them.  I cry for them.  I pray and wish I could change things, but I can't.  All I can do is show my support and love and be there.  It's very hard and I feel like there is a hole inside me.  R doesn't understand how I'm feeling and I have no ways to explain it to him.

I feel a bit more emotional that usual lately and he is shorter on patience that usual.  Which of course leads to arguments or squabbles over senseless things.  Tonight for example:

R: What do you want to do tomorrow?

Me: What do you mean?

R: I have enough to keep me busy all day so if you want some downtime on your last day off I can be in the garage.

Me: Why don't we do our stuff until noon and then do something together?  Spend some time together?

R: What do you want to do?

Me:  I dunno.  We'll figure something.

And then it goes off course from there.  Him getting all agitated because I don't know what specifically I want to do.  Me because I figure that since we've had company and been very busy lately I'm simply happy for us to spend time together, even not doing anything.

I feel unappreciated lately.  I tell him this, he sighs and gets mad.  It's frustrating as hell.  I say he doesn't clean the kitchen, he says I don't give him the chance.  I say how much time do you need, he says more than an hour after the meal.

I am emotional.  I know it, but I don't understand how he can't understand why.  He knows what's going on with my family, he knows I'm hurting, but he doesn't understand how affected I am or how I feel.  He rolls over and goes to sleep.  I lay awake with thoughts running around inside my head.

When does life get easier?