Torn

I hate feeling helpless. It's something that makes me mad, sad, upset, irritated.

I feel helpless.

I have a good friend, back at the other office, where I worked before I moved. We've been good friends since I started there, about a year and a half. Strangely enough, we were going through similar situations with being unhappy in our marriages. Both only married for a few years too. It was odd how we connected as friends. We had a lot alike, we liked to do the same things, crafty things outside of work. We didn't spend a lot of time outside of work, but we did get together occasionally or chat on the phone. We did take all of our breaks together and talked through everything that was going on.

She was the first person I told about R and wanting to leave C. We cried together. About her life changes and mine. We gave each other advice and hugs when there were no words left to give. I knew leaving that job would be hard because leaving a good friend behind would be difficult. I knew that it was one of those friendships were I wouldn't travel too often to see her because having no where to stay and not wanting to run into my ex. And she wouldn't come to see me, mainly because of money issues.

Her separation has been much, much worse than mine. Mine was hard, but mine was never physical. I know of at least 3 occasions where he's been physical with her. And a few weeks ago, he showed up at the end of her shift at work and there was an incident, in the building. There were witnesses and the managers called me on the Monday morning to ask me what to do (new position as Health & Safety Coordinator), I had no idea other than to call the General Manager and ask her.

They did and she had them call the police. They came to the building and interviewed her and the witnesses. They decided not to press charges at her insistence. She was scheduled to work alone on Saturday, there was no one to cover, the GM was worried about her and actually closed the building so she wouldn't be alone.

Today, it came out that she is still in daily contact with him, and has done nothing to protect herself. I was asked to call OH&S (occupational health and safety) and the Alberta Labor Board to find out what our responsibilities and obligations as her employer are. Then I had to write an email to both managers in that branch indicating what needed to be done (staff meeting, prohibiting him from the building, talking to her). Further she is being referred to a professional paid by the company to discuss her situation, mandatory.

My boss, the GM is asking me details. Things as her friend I know. Things as a co-worker I would not. I've not given any specifics - not asked. But she asked me, in my opinion:

- Do I think she's in danger? Yes.

- Do I think she's afraid of him? Yes.

- Will she get a restraining order? No.

- Has he been physical in the past? Yes.

- Is she safe? No.

- Will he try to kill her? Yes.

I keep trying to call her, but she's never around, never answers. I finally managed to get a text from her. She told me it wasn't a good time. I asked when and she said she didn't want to talk about anything that has been going on. I understand that. Completely.

But I'm still sad. I'm worried about my friend.

She's turned to partying. That is her out right now. That is her hide-away. She drinks. A lot.

I'm torn between the place where I do what is right, I tell my boss that I'm scared for her safety and try to get her the help she needs so she realizes she's not safe and that she needs to get away. Or do I do nothing and sit back and worry about her? If I try to help, she avoids me because it's easier in the short run to ignore it and I lose my friend, possibly. I miss her. I'm worried.

I tried to talk to R about it earlier and he wasn't much help. His perspective is that he didn't understand how someone can stay. I understand. I tried to explain to him that it's not as cut and dried as when your dating. Being married is a commitment and you want to stay and you want them to change and be the person you know they can be, the person they were. You can't give up so easily. And it hurts. It hurts a lot, because you know the person they used to be, the person you loved, the person that made you happy. We know that logically they aren't that person anymore, but love isn't logical. It doesn't think, it only feels.

And so I'm sad tonight. I'm worried about my friend and in choosing to try to help her and keep her safe, she's not talking to me.